Low Self-Steam

Is it laziness? Fear of failure? Or is it perpetual procrastination that fuels this dead-zone of inactivity writing-wise. Since I sold the rights to my first novel, Little Green, I've had a terrible time sitting down to actually write. I thought starting this blog would give me the assignment I need to produce a little something, something on a regular basis and keep my writing feet wet. Nice thought, but as you can see by the giant gaps in time between posts I'm not actually doing it. Other things I'm not actually doing:

The yoga class I say I'm signing up for every term.
Getting rid of the piles of papers lurking in small and large piles all over the house.
Cleaning the refrigerator and defrosting the freezer.
Going through all closets, drawers and boxes--sorting, and dumping and only keeping the essential stuff.
Sending short stories off to magazines and contests.
Writing on book number 2.

Enough! It's so easy to feel bad about every blessed thing I think I should do and don't. So what have I do that I do with love and happiness everyday?
I write in my journal and stick things in there with a glue stick and I even draw in there sometimes.
I've quit watching tv and started listening to Radio Moth on NPR.
I've been reading like crazy: Animal Vegetable and Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver; The Children's Book by AS Byatt; A Gate At The Top of the Stairs by Lorrie Moore; My Life in France by Julia Child; The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb.
I've also been cooking a lot and looking forward to a bigger, better garden in the spring.

Every year I have a little cooking goal in mind--something I want to master for myself and this year it's looking like bread is it. When I taught preschool I made bread with the kids all the time. The oldest kids in my class could whip up a batch of Tassajara bread without a recipe by the end of the school year. There's nothing better than the experience of making bread. It is a supremely tactile and sensual thing to do. From the kneading of the dough and the smell of the yeast as it rises to the taste of the first delicious bite every step pulls me into the present moment and connects me to all the people baking for their families all over the world. So my goal this year is to do all the bread making for or family unit. I want to develop a sourdough starter from scratch and keep it going through the year. My mentor-teacher-friend Tony has been baking from a starter for his family (a much larger unit than mine) for decades. He makes a killer whole wheat seeded loaf--long and slim as a baton--with so much dense and hearty flavor it's a meal in itself. Now that I've given up meat and am heading toward a mostly vegan diet I think it's time to get baking. This is the recipe I used with my preschool kids. If you've never baked a loaf of bread this is the recipe to start with. I got it from the Tassajara Cookbook back in the 80's. It never fails:
1 package (2 1/2 tsp) active dry yeast
2 1/2 cups warm water (baby bath temp)
1 T honey
1 T oil
Put it all together in a bowl and wait for 10 minutes for the yeast to get fuzzy.
Stir in 2 cups of flour and 1 T kosher salt. Keep adding flour and stirring until you can't stir in any more and then dump the dough on a floured surface. Add flour a cup at a time and knead until you have a smooth ball of dough. Put the dough in an oiled bowl in a warm place (not too hot) and cover with a dish towel. An hour later it should be doubled in size. Turn it out on a lightly floured surface and shape into two loaves. Slide those babies into greased loaf pans and cover again for another hour. Turn the oven on to 350 and when the loaves have risen pop them into the oven for about 40 minutes--until they are golden brown and sound hollow when you thump them. Let the loaves cool on a rack before slicing them or just eat it hot and fresh out the box slathered with jam or honey or butter or all the above!